b'Matters Keeping the Thingsthat Matter Since 1990 Family OnlineFeaturing Local People, Places and PUBLISHER& EDITOR IN CHIEF Someones got to do itEllen DonkerBY ELLEN DONKERASSOCIATE EDITORRosemary MattsonSOCIAL MEDIA MANAGERRachael Entine I nmosteveryhouse- youvegreeting,Thankayou ADVERTISING CONSULTANTSRene ConlonH. Leslie Gilman hold there is someonefor calling Company X, Amy Power whoholdsthetitleELLEN,soundedabit COPY EDITORS of HTO, as in Homehostile.Makenomistake, Nick Humez TechnologyOfficer.CompanyXisnothappy Tia Swanson Thisisnotapositioncalled,andwillthwart that you interview for andyour every attempt to reachlive CONTRIBUTORS it pays no salary. Rather it is assignedagent. Sara Courtney to whomever in the home is willing toSadly, I have no advice about get-Adrianna Donat call their internet provider when their ser- ting through to a human. I tried finding Malia Rulon Herman vice goes out so they can get on their handsthe key moment to say live agent at the Donny Levit andkneestountanglethemessofcordsinprompt. But when the voice asked for more Olivia Mack McCool order to unplug the modem for 30 seconds andinformation,itroutedmebackthroughthe Tia SwansonJulia Maloof Verderosa plug it back in. Or, my favorite: to read back thetroubleshooting menu Id just been through. Ive miniscule CMAC address on the underside of the modem ifheard that pressing 0 repeatedly will get you to a real you happen to get a live rep on the phone. person, but I think Company X is on to that. Most likely I have held this position for 20 years. And because I be- theyve renamed what they call their reps so you cant utter came so adept at navigating the phone tree of our internetthe right combination of words to reach one. service provider (lets call them Company X), using the on- When I finally got a real person on the phone and she line chat feature on their app, or simply being relentless inwas about to schedule a service appointment, she started getting my internet fixed, I was awarded a new region: myrepeating, Hello. Hello? I cant hear you. Are you still mothers home in Florida. For some reason my brother andthere? I assured her I was. As she continued asking me Please address all correspondence to: sister werent recruited for this coveted promotion.if I was there, I yelled, Yes, Im here. Repeatedly. A few Visual Impact Advertising, Inc. Having put in about 24 hours of calls and online chatsminutes later she hung up. I considered calling back but P.O. Box 198 with Company X back in February for my own woes (I be- couldnt face going through the prompts again.Maplewood, NJ 07040 lieve I cooked an entire dinner on call three of six), the folksInstead, I vented my anger by riding 12 miles on my 973-763-4900 in Florida probably thought I needed a new challenge.stationary bike. Six miles in, the rep called back assuring mattersmagazine.comAll I can say is Im grateful my 89-year-old mother canme she was trying to expedite the service appointment. info@mattersmagazine.com text to let me know her service is down. But I cant expectCall me jaded, but my hopes are low. My mother, who Matters Magazine is owned and publishedher to call Company X and negotiate the customer servicewould love nothing more than to watch Major League by Visual Impact Advertising, Inc., P.O.prompts to get a live agent. And forget about her getting onBaseball,play WordswithFriendsandusetheHappy Box 198, Maplewood, NJ 07040. Mattersthe floor to unplug her modem to see if that does the trick. Color app on her iPad, will have to wait it out. Magazine is free, with editions direct mailed 7 times a year to the residents of MaplewoodSo that leaves me as the one who gets to advocate forI will admit that there is some job satisfaction for the and South Orange and distributed to busi- her. When her internet, TV and landline went down aboutHTO. Once service is restored you feel so relieved that nesses and surrounding communities total-ing 16,000. Subscriptions are available toa week ago, I engaged in a lengthy online chat which finallyyou consider dropping your grudge against Company X. non-residents for $30 (U.S.), $40 (Foreign)resulted in a service appointment. Several days later, a techYou experience newfound wonder at having unfettered annually. No part of the publication may begot her back online and my mother reported that he wasaccess to the internet and your favorite TV shows. And reprinted or otherwise reproduced without writtenpermissionfromVisualImpactvery nice. He even gave her his cell number in case there wasfor me, I get heartfelt thanks from my mother. Advertising, Inc. another problem.With my promotion, there was also an unexpected bo-CIRCULATION VERIFIED BY For all I know that number was connected to a burnernus. Had I not gotten the opportunity to perform my U.S. POSTAL RECEIPTS. phone because when her service went down four days later,HTO duties for the Florida region, Id still have a blank READ & RECYCLE I texted Mohammed and got no reply. Then I made a call topage staring at me for this column. So, to Company X: Company X. I dont recommend it. In fact, its automatedThank you for the inspiration. 10/ matters magazine / spring 2022'