b'THE REALPORTA-POTTIES OFSOUTH ORANGE AND MAPLEWOODRelief could be and progress past their unfair representation as outhous-just around the corner es of ill-repute. On any given day, the neighborhoods of Maplewood and South Orange boast dozens of the units quietly situated on the property of your neighbors while I magineaBY DONNY LEVIT andafternoontheir houses are under renovation. They sport a pleasing array of colors, including shades of forest green, papaya picture-perfectweekendwhip orange, the gentle taupe that conjures up memo-inourtwotowns:Thestreetssidewalksries of an Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme circa 1983, or are chock-full of walkers, runners, cyclists, andjust the right cerulean bluea color that glistens when new families gently negotiating their strollers onit catches the sun on a sterling spring day in our towns. smooth and blemished sidewalks alike. The dogAfterall,weprideourselvesonbeingacommunity ownersleadtheirprizedcaninesalong,burst- that respects all of our neighbors. And these temporary ing with pride because their particular pooch isstructuresarebetterneighbors,indeedmuchmore the most well-behaved over the last quarter mile. Theirthan you may even know.hopes and dreams of a perfect morning walk are dashedHitherto we have devoted our discussion to the ex-as Fido busts a move at the nearest rabbit or snarls atternal aesthetics of the portable toilet. To put it gently, Rex from two houses down. Yet, all in all, our neighbor- the most important function is what takes place inside hoods are pleasant vistas, ripe for the boasting by manythese temporary domains. Of course, its necessaryas a real estate agency. per the requirements of OSHA (Operational Safety and As the warmer months of the year slowly approach,Health Administration)that general contractors and its only to be expected that the community will enjoyworkers are provided with said facilities on their work-the pastoral beauty of our two towns as the call of naturesites. More significantly, its the right thing to do.beckons. But what, pray tell, happens when nature doesAnd lets remember these are not your music festi-indeed call? Although they may be the most innocentval porta-potty farms that we approach with dread dur-of rumors, your neighbors may very well have found aing the warmer months. In that unfortunate situation, rather pragmatic solution. we enter at our own risk, balance our beer so it doesnt Beholdthemuch-malignedportabletoilet.Eventouch any surfaces, and strain to hear Kendrick Lamar the most casual mention can trigger unsavory olfactorysinging Wesleys Theory or LCD Soundsystem playing memories and ghastly visual nightmares. And for thoseDisco Infiltrator or Japanese Breakfast singing Ma-of you who self-identify as germaphobes, there is simplychinist only 300 feet away. Our local portable toilets not enough hand sanitizer in the northern hemisphereare far more serene.to calm you after your portable toilet usage. Herein lies the untold truth: You may (or may not) Its high time that we reconsider their role in societybe surprised to learn that porta-potties serve a larger 22/ matters magazine / hearth + home 2023'